Life is sweet

Well,
I've been in Utah for about 4-5 weeks now & surprisingly I'm loving it! I can't even explain it....*lol*. Who knew that this was where I was supposed to be?! Stupid question, I know....the Main Man...the one who gave me the prompting to come here in the first place....In FEBRUARY!!!!! Yeah, I know. I need to smacked with a 2x4 sometimes. But I finally got here & most things are falling into place. I got accepted to the school I wanted to, I'm enjoying the ward I'm attending, I have a roof over my head. Those are some pretty important things! Yeah, I could have a more stable job....being a temp isn't always the best but it does bring in money when you are working....*lol*. I could use some more work but I won't complain when I'm working....
I've even started to get over my ex back home! Who could ask for more!? Life is sweet right now. I haven't even had to drive in heavy snow yet! I know I will but not yet....*lol* I'm enjoying life right now more than I have in a long time. This is really important to me. I hadn't realized that I wasn't living just surviving, day to day. I'm finally getting the opportunity to live again.
I'm thanking my Heavenly Father each day for what he has given me. These opportunities because it wouldn't be possible with out him. Thanks to all those supporting me here & back home as well. I love you & miss you too.

New Adventure!!!!!!

The time has come for me to leave California! I can't believe it. I'm going to be going to Utah for school. Utah Valley University or UVU as it is better known. Formerly UVSC. I'm finally going to finish my degree in Photography & get my Bachelor's in Fine Arts(BFA).
I've needed to break away for some time and I'm finally going to do it. There are many reasons that I'm leaving and going so far from home. True, I'm not going to the other side of the country or even leaving the country but for me this is far from home. Especially, since my life has revolved around my illnesses & my doctors. But with their blessings & support, away I go!
I can't wait to get out there & take pictures, get a job & finally start school in January(if I'm accepted....*lol*). I'm finally looking forward and not back. My life up until now has been in many ways looking at my past and wishing that I had done more or left sooner. But I can't change my past & must accept what is. But that is part of life, I guess...*lol*.
My life is changing and although I usually fight change with a passion, I'm embracing this with open arms & running head on into it! Wish me luck!

I love photography!

I have never been an artist. I cannot take a pen or a brush and make a beautiful piece of art. It looks like a 5-year old tried to make a drawing....*lol*. So, as a child my parents gave me a point & shoot camera. I was so excited! Then as a teenager, I got an SLR camera and I grew to love photography even more. The way the light works. The lines in everyday life. I couldn't draw, but I could capture images & modify them in the darkroom! And now with digital photography, I can modify them with photoshop. How wonderful this life is where I can do something I love and make art in a different way than on a traditional canvas. The way I can manipulate a negative, either film or digital is awesome. I love photography!

Things that make me smile....(idea stolen from my cousin....*grin*)

I decided that my cousin Katie had the right idea doing a post about the things in this life that make her smile....so, I'm copying her.
You know what they say...that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Love you Katie!
(these are in no particular order)

-Rain & thunderstorms
-finding extra money in my pockets or purse
-text messages or phone calls from people that missed me
-realizing I have more time to sleep
-random people smiling at me
-getting a good grade on a project (yes, i'm still in school)
-the goofy looks my brothers give me to make me feel better when I've had a bad day
-hearing my nephew Caleb say my name & coming to meet me after work
-getting a hug
-singing at the top of my lungs
-taking a drive with a good friend
-playing sardines
-driving aimlessly at night
-swimming
-my camera
-friends & family
-interesting tattoos
-hearing one of my favorite songs on the radio
-new shoes

I......

I am - a daugher, sister, friend, wanderer, photographer.

I want - to fall in love.

I hear - the music that never stops.

I never - stop.

I wonder - what will happen next & why I do what I do.

I always - do to much.

I usually - speak before I think (oops).

I search - for the next challenge. I can't help it. I need something to take the energy.

I am not - mild mannered.

I dance - but not as often as I used to. I miss it greatly.

I sing - whenever I hear a song I know & sometimes just when one is stuck in my head. Which is almost always.

I wish - I could heal my parents.

I dislike - talking on the phone. Unless absolutely necessary

I rarely - give up.

I cry - when I hurt, which right now is frequently.

I am not always - patient.

I lose - people.

I fear - failure.

I'm confused - everyday.

I need - finish school. Why isn't over yet?

I should - working. I just can't handle it right now.

I dream - of being healthy.

I have - a wonderful family who love me, pray for me and offer any support they can give.

I love - everything that I have. I couldn't live without my family & friends.

I tag - YOU! please???

It's time....

I've decided that it's time for my health to be the most important thing in my life right now. Yeah, I'm sure that sounds like...me, me, me, but if I don't get as healthy as I can, how can I be of any good to anyone else?
It's time for me to get into better shape so that when I have a migraine...it doesn't have to be as bad as they are. It's time for me to live better when I don't have them, instead of dreading and waiting for the next one to hit. I want to live a happier life.
It's time for me to express my feelings instead of repressing them. I'm sorry if you get in the way of this, but I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut. It makes my head hurt and that isn't healthy for me.
It's time for me to stop worrying so much about what is going to happen. I can't do anything about it, so what good does it do me? I need to live. I need to be healthy as I can be. Both physically & mentally. Yes, I have illnesses but why should they hold me back or hold me down?
It's time....

So, here is the deal

I have 2 conditions: Migraines & a vitamin b-12 deficiency.
So here I have decided to describe how I have them & what they do to me. If only to help me work through them & eventually accept the fact that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I have them.

Migraine: I was diagnosed when I was 12 years old. Spring 1993
is a genetic neurological condition. Frequented by severe vascular headaches(at least in my case)with or without an aura. How's that for a definition? The headache is a symptom. NOT the condition.
Here are the symptoms that I have besides the headache:
-aura(my vision goes blurry around the edges or sometimes I go partially blind)
-numbness of limbs & sometimes face on the right side
-sensitive to light
-sensitive to sound
-severe nausea
-problems with speech
-certain colors hurt
-loss of memory(not common)
There are many contributers that have made my migraines hard to handle. First, I feel like I'm being attacked from within. I have hormonal migraines as well as migraines that come from triggers, which I will explain next.
My triggers:
-excess refined sugar
-aged cheeses
-chocolate
-severe changes in barometric pressure(changes in the weather or altitude)
-certain scents(paint, exhaust fumes, paint thinner, cigarette smoke, marijuanna smoke)
-over-stress(usually a tension headache but can turn into a migraine)
-not having a regular sleep pattern
Fun stuff, huh? Even knowing all this doesn't prevent them from coming. I've had migraines for over 15 years. I'm currently on 4 medicaions to help with the frequecy and severity. 2 preventitives & 2 for attacks. There is no medication out there to cure them.
Here is a description of what a small migraine feels like:
Wake up....feel strange....tingles in my fingers & the sunlight is unusually bright. Crap. Where are my meds? All my senses are heightend. I can smell everything & feel everything. Got to get out of bed & tell Mom. She needs to know. Crap. My vision is going. Blurry. Can't think. Why does that color hurt? Who decided to wear a red shirt today? Stumbling out my bedroom door. Run into the wall. Dang it. Can't walk right. I'm gonna have bruises from that. Still no pain yet...thank heavens. Where is Mom? I need my meds soon or they won't help & this is going to last 4 days again. Okay, there she is. She knows. I can tell from the look on her face. She already has the meds in her hand. "Help". Wait, that didn't sound right. Okay. Can't talk right. Great. This is already getting bad. Start crying. She tells me to stop or I'm going to make it worse, which I already know. I take my meds & she helps me back to bed. Puts up the blackup curtain & leaves. Then it hits. Pain unlike any other. I've heard even child birth isn't this bad. Then the meds knock me out. Wake up 10 hours later...ugh....I hurt. Mom checks on me. This is going to be a long one. Apparently I hit the wall in my sleep. My hands are bruised. Dizzy, but I'm still laying down. Man my siblings are noisy. Why can't they shut up? Two more days...I can't do it. Just let me die please? It all hurts. Even in the dark it hurts.

That is one of the few migraines that I actually remember. It was from when I was in high school. I would hit the walls in my sleep to transfer the pain. It would look like I got into a fight. I couldn't eat from the nausea that both the pain & the meds caused. Even now, there are certain medications I cannot take & foods I can't eat.

Now to my next condition; B-12 Deficiency
I was diagnosied when I was 26.
Simple right? Lack of the vitamin B-12 in the body. Not so simple. This little vitamin does big things in the human body. Here are a few of the things B-12 is responsible for:
-maintaining healthy nerve cells
-maintaining healthy red blood cells
-needed to make DNA
So, over several years I started to show symptoms of this deficiency without knowing that was what was wrong. It took over 6 years of symptoms for a doctor to realize what was wrong. With the symptoms getting worse over time and new symptoms coming.
Here were the symptoms I was showing:
-severe exhaustion
-tingling hands
-occasional anemia
-issues with balance
-depression/apathy

Finally I couldn't take it anymore & went to my new doctor & described what was happening. He sent me for very specific blood tests. I got the results back on November 12, 2007. I will never forget that day. Just as I will never forget my first migraine. I started receiving shots of liquid B-12. My body cannot absorb B-12 through my digestive system like most people. The doctors aren't quite sure why yet. But I will have to get shots for the rest of my life most likely.

I'm fortunate enough to have a very good neurologist who takes very good care of both conditions & of me....*grin*. He has been my doctor since I was 16. I feel very blessed to have had people who care enough about me to have told my parents about him. Without my parents, siblings, friends & doctors this life would have been even more difficult than it sounds. Trust me it hasn't been easy...but a life that is easy, isn't worth living.

Window Light

This semester I've been having the best time learning about light!!!

Yeah, I know. Why is that so interesting? But being a photography student....it is the most important thing in the world. These are some of the first pictures I took this semester. The assignment was to just use window light. I had my youngest brother & my nephew as my models & they did an awsome job. Being so willing & my nephew loves pictures....looking at them, or being in them....*grin*. Aren't they handsome guys?

Tired & hurt-Do I really want to try again?

So, here it is.....I walked away from the man I've loved for the past 12 years. Not an easy thing to do. I didn't want to do it but the relationship had come to a point where it was hurting me more than it was doing anything else. I knew it would be hard but I didn't expect the physical pain & grief that I'm having to go through. It feels as if someone has died or a piece of me has been torn off my body never to be replaced.
For someone who has never really experienced depression with the exception of it being associated with my vitamin deficiency (I'll explain that in a different post), this feels ridiculous!
I don't like feeling like my life depends on being with this person. He didn't treat me the way I should be treated, yet, I miss him so much I have trouble sleeping & concentrating on things that I need to do.
I keep being told that there is someone out there who deserves me & will treat me the right way. Someone who will love me. But do I want to throw myself under that truck again?
I've had too many people say they love me....to have them just walk away. True, maybe they loved me as much as they were capable of. But, I didn't ask for much.
Who would have ever thought that I would have trouble trusting people again? I've become skeptical of so many people. Wondering what they want from me, when they are going to betray or hurt me. I never used to be this way.
I want to be happy again....I know that this is going to take time & healing. I also know that it is going to have to come from inside myself. I can't be afraid to fall in love again or I never will. I look forward to the day I wake up & realize that I can open those memories without pain. I'm sorry to my friends who have to live with me in this crazy state. Thank you for being there for me.

School

Why does it take so long to get through school? I really don't like school.....*lol* I hate sitting in those plastic chairs, listening to teachers tell me that I have to do something a certain way.....& then tell me that they have to do this so eventually I can break out & do it my own way. How does that work?....*ugh*
Why don't those apptitude test they give us in High School actually do anything? I could have been done with school years ago had I known that I wasn't exactly cut out for teaching small children....*lol* (I get rather annoyed with them quickly). I can teach older kids & adults much easier.
I'm now going through the Photography program at Sacramento City College & will be transfering to UVU (Utah Valley University) and I keep thinking that I could have been done already had I known that I was better at this, than teaching music. I still might do both but I enjoy photography more than teaching music. Much less stressful....*lol*.
I've made so many friends as well in the photography program vs. the music program. Everyone seems to want the others to succeed & is willing to help. Yeah, we will eventually be competitive as well but it is a good kind of competitive. Not like when I was in the music dept. & people would beat you down & tell you that you would never be any good. And this was coming from the other students! I never made the friends in the music dept that I've made in the photo dept. True, had I been in the dept., 5 years ago, I wouldn't have met some of these people but I wish sometimes that I was done with school.