Monday, May 11, 2009

Tired & hurt-Do I really want to try again?

So, here it is.....I walked away from the man I've loved for the past 12 years. Not an easy thing to do. I didn't want to do it but the relationship had come to a point where it was hurting me more than it was doing anything else. I knew it would be hard but I didn't expect the physical pain & grief that I'm having to go through. It feels as if someone has died or a piece of me has been torn off my body never to be replaced.
For someone who has never really experienced depression with the exception of it being associated with my vitamin deficiency (I'll explain that in a different post), this feels ridiculous!
I don't like feeling like my life depends on being with this person. He didn't treat me the way I should be treated, yet, I miss him so much I have trouble sleeping & concentrating on things that I need to do.
I keep being told that there is someone out there who deserves me & will treat me the right way. Someone who will love me. But do I want to throw myself under that truck again?
I've had too many people say they love have them just walk away. True, maybe they loved me as much as they were capable of. But, I didn't ask for much.
Who would have ever thought that I would have trouble trusting people again? I've become skeptical of so many people. Wondering what they want from me, when they are going to betray or hurt me. I never used to be this way.
I want to be happy again....I know that this is going to take time & healing. I also know that it is going to have to come from inside myself. I can't be afraid to fall in love again or I never will. I look forward to the day I wake up & realize that I can open those memories without pain. I'm sorry to my friends who have to live with me in this crazy state. Thank you for being there for me.


  1. Cheer up! When God closes one door, He opens another. You have to believe that. As hard and unfair as it may seem, God has something better for you, I gurantee it. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5 AKJV).
    First of all, you have to be safe in the relationship. If you are constantly hurt (be it physically or emotionally), it's not healthy. You did the right thing... :) and CHEER UP!!!!

  2. Courtney, don't do the awful cheery "no, really, I'm ok!". You need to grieve the "death" of this long relationship. You should take time to know exactly what was wrong, and what exactly you want and need in any relationship. Now is the time to just be you, taking care of you. Fulfill your dreams of photography, and know the Lord will always be with you.He will never let you down.

  3. Thanks so much for both of your words of encouragement. Trust me I'm not doing the "i'm okay" thing. Most people probably think I'm crazy right now but I have to grieve. Its hard but it was a long time.

  4. This guy wasn't right for you and don't try to find faults in yourself. You knew that the relationship wasn't working and walking away was the best thing to do... This relationship was probably just trail and error... so you can grow and learn your strengths & weakness. There is a saying I'm not sure how it goes but its something like this "in every failure there is success", so don't give up your hopes. When you least expect it, the guy who you are supposed to be will come into your life...