Tuesday, April 26, 2011

As it approaches.....

In 5 days I will be 30 years old. I've been trying to think about all the things that I've either accomplished or sadly, didn't accomplish. I've decided that even my failures have made me stronger & more knowledgeable about myself. My life is definitely what many would call a roller coaster. I have amazing turns, huge drops & suspense around each hill. I'm looking forward to making another landmark age. Who knew that I would be excited to be turning 30?! But I really am. I have so much to look forward to & to keep doing and trying. I wasn't meant to sit on the sidelines of my own life. True, it has happened occasionally, just as it does with us all.
I'm extremely hopeful for the next year. I want to do so much. I have so many plans & things to figure out. But I know that if I put my heart, head & one foot in front other, I can do just about anything. I'm determined and that is always the first step for me. There are a great many things I want to do and try but one at a time, this time around. Some may overlap but that keeps life interesting. It's time to jump *grin*

Saturday, January 8, 2011

So I stole this post from Scott but I feel that maybe this will help me get out a little again.
So here we go

10 Questions

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you are not anonymous, do you wish that you had started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?
I've never blogged anonymously. I'm a very open person & I figure that my blog should represent who I am.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.
Inner stubborn side?! *lol* Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm stubborn period. But lately, I would say my perseverance in believing that I can do anything I need to

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
Currently, I see someone not always worth anything but then I see the mischievous twinkle that has always been there & continue to hope.

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?
I think I'll go for a nice cold ice water. Not much for sweet. *shrug*

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
I like to get out & just wander. Occasionally, do some therapeutic shopping *lol*. What can I say? It's nice finding something new.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life? What is it?
Yes. There are many things I would love to accomplish. But currently, I would like to finish my BFA. You know, just so I can say, despite everything I've gone through, that I did it.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
I was a strange combination of the wild child/the good girl. No one really knew what to think of me & most still don't. All in all school was usually good when I was there, with some rather intense moments thrown in *lol*

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
Me happy again. I want so much it seems like I forget to be happy for what I have. I would love to be healthy; truely in love again & in a place where I'm content. It would also be nice to be stable *lol*

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events?
I always write about myself *lol*. I don't think I'm narcissistic but you never know *grin*

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
Sit and read. I hate talking on the phone. I read at least 6-10 books a month, even when I'm working & in school. If I'm going to talk to someone I would rather be talking to them face to face. But I do text a lot.

So, now that you know some little things about me I'm done for now *lol*

Friday, November 5, 2010

Who knew?

Surprise, surprise! I'm back in Cali. I had no idea I would be back so soon or that some of the stuff I had been having problems with would continue ( I should have known better....*LOL*)
I never knew how much I depended on the little things to get me through each day. A phone call from someone who loves me, a hug or a smile to let me know I'm understood, being able to wake up without being exhausted or being in pain. Each day I'm alive, I begin to understand more and more that this life has very little to do with everything going well.
My life has never been what most people would consider easy, but it has been my life & there is very little I would change. I wasn't raised in a well-to-do family but I always knew I was loved & I had the things I needed and many of the things I wanted. Yes, I've been sick but I've learned that no matter what I need to keep going. It's not always easy but completely worth it. I have loved someone with all my heart and soul. This may not have worked out but I know how to love & what it feels like to be loved in return. I have been hated for what I believe & who I am. But I've learned that hating in return did no good. I am regularly judged for being the way I am & shunned for being a certain way.
I am intense, stubborn and I can be bossy. I am also very caring & would do anything I can for people I love. Life is about change & I change regularly. I will not change my personality unless it will do me some good. In that way I may be selfish but I like the way I am. It has helped me get through things I never thought I could.
Who knew that moving away & coming back would make me realize how much I need to change & what I truly want in this life.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Life is hard

So, I've lived in Utah now for almost 9 months. Pretty impressive for someone who misses California almost daily. I love school & I love my new friends but life here is hard for me.
I'm constantly sick & finding a job seems to be almost impossible. I know that eventually I will get stronger but for now I must be strong through these trials. Doesn't seem easy but some how I must manage it.
I miss my family & friends back in Cali so much. I'm grateful for the friends I've made here but sometimes I wish I could blend the two. I know that there are things I need in this life that I cannot have at this moment.
Life is hard but worth every minute

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Seriously! You've got to be kidding me.....

I've been doing research on my migraine condition. Specifically, on whether or not I'm considered disabled. This has bothered me for many years on the subject of whether or not I'm considered disabled or not. Yeah, I'm tired alot even when I'm not having a migraine but disabled?! Do I really have to be labeled that like someone who can't see or walk?
But, it is beginning to look that way. I do not like the way the medication I'm on makes me feel. Like I'm not in control of my own body. Like I can't remember the things that I really need to. When is my homework due, when do I have to get the car checked, why is my body bruised? Just little things like that.
Not to mention the fact that when I get employed again....I'm going to have to go through all the questions again. What do you mean that you have migraines? What do you mean you passed out at your last job? You got fired for missing too much work at one point?
I know I shouldn't feel like a failure but I'm only 28 years old & I'm having to tell the world that I'm disabled & I look completely fine. How is that supposed to be right?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Time to fess up.....

I woke up this morning & realized that I had slept though my alarm. Oops. Missed my PE class. Eh...no big deal really. I can always go next week. But, then I ran out of hot water in the shower. Grr....not nice. Okay...what is going on with my day? I had an awesome day yesterday! So, I got on the computer do apply for some jobs, check my email & go on facebook to catch up with my people in Cali. All of a sudden, I just wanted to cry. Not just a little, but really break down & sob! Omigosh! What is wrong with me!? So, I called my mom. Of course....*lol* Who else? But we couldn't talk for very long & I missed another call. So I did some homework & avoided some other stuff I needed to do (laundry & packing...since I'm moving next week). So, then I called my dad to tell him he could cash a check I had written him & he asked me what was wrong & I told him that I had no clue. He said 'Of course you do....you're homesick. You don't want to be there.' I spent the next hour (at least) talking to him & my mom crying & wishing, truly wishing that I was back home & not here.....even though things are going fairly well. I'm slightly discouraged that I can't find a job, and even more discouraged that I might not be able to continue this semester in school. But I know, logically, that it's okay. But unfortunately, emotionally, I want it all to work out right now.....*lol*.....and I'm really homesick.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Life is sweet

I've been in Utah for about 4-5 weeks now & surprisingly I'm loving it! I can't even explain it....*lol*. Who knew that this was where I was supposed to be?! Stupid question, I know....the Main Man...the one who gave me the prompting to come here in the first place....In FEBRUARY!!!!! Yeah, I know. I need to smacked with a 2x4 sometimes. But I finally got here & most things are falling into place. I got accepted to the school I wanted to, I'm enjoying the ward I'm attending, I have a roof over my head. Those are some pretty important things! Yeah, I could have a more stable job....being a temp isn't always the best but it does bring in money when you are working....*lol*. I could use some more work but I won't complain when I'm working....
I've even started to get over my ex back home! Who could ask for more!? Life is sweet right now. I haven't even had to drive in heavy snow yet! I know I will but not yet....*lol* I'm enjoying life right now more than I have in a long time. This is really important to me. I hadn't realized that I wasn't living just surviving, day to day. I'm finally getting the opportunity to live again.
I'm thanking my Heavenly Father each day for what he has given me. These opportunities because it wouldn't be possible with out him. Thanks to all those supporting me here & back home as well. I love you & miss you too.