Monday, May 11, 2009

Window Light

This semester I've been having the best time learning about light!!!
Yeah, I know. Why is that so interesting? But being a photography is the most important thing in the world. These are some of the first pictures I took this semester. The assignment was to just use window light. I had my youngest brother & my nephew as my models & they did an awsome job. Being so willing & my nephew loves pictures....looking at them, or being in them....*grin*. Aren't they handsome guys?

Tired & hurt-Do I really want to try again?

So, here it is.....I walked away from the man I've loved for the past 12 years. Not an easy thing to do. I didn't want to do it but the relationship had come to a point where it was hurting me more than it was doing anything else. I knew it would be hard but I didn't expect the physical pain & grief that I'm having to go through. It feels as if someone has died or a piece of me has been torn off my body never to be replaced.
For someone who has never really experienced depression with the exception of it being associated with my vitamin deficiency (I'll explain that in a different post), this feels ridiculous!
I don't like feeling like my life depends on being with this person. He didn't treat me the way I should be treated, yet, I miss him so much I have trouble sleeping & concentrating on things that I need to do.
I keep being told that there is someone out there who deserves me & will treat me the right way. Someone who will love me. But do I want to throw myself under that truck again?
I've had too many people say they love have them just walk away. True, maybe they loved me as much as they were capable of. But, I didn't ask for much.
Who would have ever thought that I would have trouble trusting people again? I've become skeptical of so many people. Wondering what they want from me, when they are going to betray or hurt me. I never used to be this way.
I want to be happy again....I know that this is going to take time & healing. I also know that it is going to have to come from inside myself. I can't be afraid to fall in love again or I never will. I look forward to the day I wake up & realize that I can open those memories without pain. I'm sorry to my friends who have to live with me in this crazy state. Thank you for being there for me.

Monday, May 4, 2009


Why does it take so long to get through school? I really don't like school.....*lol* I hate sitting in those plastic chairs, listening to teachers tell me that I have to do something a certain way.....& then tell me that they have to do this so eventually I can break out & do it my own way. How does that work?....*ugh*
Why don't those apptitude test they give us in High School actually do anything? I could have been done with school years ago had I known that I wasn't exactly cut out for teaching small children....*lol* (I get rather annoyed with them quickly). I can teach older kids & adults much easier.
I'm now going through the Photography program at Sacramento City College & will be transfering to UVU (Utah Valley University) and I keep thinking that I could have been done already had I known that I was better at this, than teaching music. I still might do both but I enjoy photography more than teaching music. Much less stressful....*lol*.
I've made so many friends as well in the photography program vs. the music program. Everyone seems to want the others to succeed & is willing to help. Yeah, we will eventually be competitive as well but it is a good kind of competitive. Not like when I was in the music dept. & people would beat you down & tell you that you would never be any good. And this was coming from the other students! I never made the friends in the music dept that I've made in the photo dept. True, had I been in the dept., 5 years ago, I wouldn't have met some of these people but I wish sometimes that I was done with school.