Friday, November 5, 2010

Who knew?

Surprise, surprise! I'm back in Cali. I had no idea I would be back so soon or that some of the stuff I had been having problems with would continue ( I should have known better....*LOL*)
I never knew how much I depended on the little things to get me through each day. A phone call from someone who loves me, a hug or a smile to let me know I'm understood, being able to wake up without being exhausted or being in pain. Each day I'm alive, I begin to understand more and more that this life has very little to do with everything going well.
My life has never been what most people would consider easy, but it has been my life & there is very little I would change. I wasn't raised in a well-to-do family but I always knew I was loved & I had the things I needed and many of the things I wanted. Yes, I've been sick but I've learned that no matter what I need to keep going. It's not always easy but completely worth it. I have loved someone with all my heart and soul. This may not have worked out but I know how to love & what it feels like to be loved in return. I have been hated for what I believe & who I am. But I've learned that hating in return did no good. I am regularly judged for being the way I am & shunned for being a certain way.
I am intense, stubborn and I can be bossy. I am also very caring & would do anything I can for people I love. Life is about change & I change regularly. I will not change my personality unless it will do me some good. In that way I may be selfish but I like the way I am. It has helped me get through things I never thought I could.
Who knew that moving away & coming back would make me realize how much I need to change & what I truly want in this life.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Life is hard

So, I've lived in Utah now for almost 9 months. Pretty impressive for someone who misses California almost daily. I love school & I love my new friends but life here is hard for me.
I'm constantly sick & finding a job seems to be almost impossible. I know that eventually I will get stronger but for now I must be strong through these trials. Doesn't seem easy but some how I must manage it.
I miss my family & friends back in Cali so much. I'm grateful for the friends I've made here but sometimes I wish I could blend the two. I know that there are things I need in this life that I cannot have at this moment.
Life is hard but worth every minute

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Seriously! You've got to be kidding me.....

I've been doing research on my migraine condition. Specifically, on whether or not I'm considered disabled. This has bothered me for many years on the subject of whether or not I'm considered disabled or not. Yeah, I'm tired alot even when I'm not having a migraine but disabled?! Do I really have to be labeled that like someone who can't see or walk?
But, it is beginning to look that way. I do not like the way the medication I'm on makes me feel. Like I'm not in control of my own body. Like I can't remember the things that I really need to. When is my homework due, when do I have to get the car checked, why is my body bruised? Just little things like that.
Not to mention the fact that when I get employed again....I'm going to have to go through all the questions again. What do you mean that you have migraines? What do you mean you passed out at your last job? You got fired for missing too much work at one point?
I know I shouldn't feel like a failure but I'm only 28 years old & I'm having to tell the world that I'm disabled & I look completely fine. How is that supposed to be right?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Time to fess up.....

I woke up this morning & realized that I had slept though my alarm. Oops. Missed my PE class. big deal really. I can always go next week. But, then I ran out of hot water in the shower. Grr....not nice. Okay...what is going on with my day? I had an awesome day yesterday! So, I got on the computer do apply for some jobs, check my email & go on facebook to catch up with my people in Cali. All of a sudden, I just wanted to cry. Not just a little, but really break down & sob! Omigosh! What is wrong with me!? So, I called my mom. Of course....*lol* Who else? But we couldn't talk for very long & I missed another call. So I did some homework & avoided some other stuff I needed to do (laundry & packing...since I'm moving next week). So, then I called my dad to tell him he could cash a check I had written him & he asked me what was wrong & I told him that I had no clue. He said 'Of course you're homesick. You don't want to be there.' I spent the next hour (at least) talking to him & my mom crying & wishing, truly wishing that I was back home & not here.....even though things are going fairly well. I'm slightly discouraged that I can't find a job, and even more discouraged that I might not be able to continue this semester in school. But I know, logically, that it's okay. But unfortunately, emotionally, I want it all to work out right now.....*lol*.....and I'm really homesick.